Quietly optimistic (but with fingers firmly crossed)

24th October 2021

So, yet another dose of chemo over but more trials and tribulations. It’s getting harder. But in six weeks’ time I should be over the worst! 

Had the usual lovely nurse coming to give me chemo and each time one of my friends has been there to gopher – make tea, answer the door, be there to chat. So much appreciated. All went well with the 20% reduction meaning I did not have the awful muscle spasms (or at least hardly at all). However, on the Friday after, I had a great appetite (maybe due to steroids?) and a huge desire to eat some fish and chips! Hubby got them and I ate the whole lot. So nice but oh did I pay for it! All night kept awake as my digestive system tried to deal with it. And thereafter, my digestive system has never recovered. Disrupted sleep, can’t go out, tired – yet another tale of woe, sorry. However, highlights remain my hubby dealing with a meltdown with tact and patience, a gifted healer friend who regularly clears my energy and a local reflexologist who is keeping my body in balance. The problems with a dodgy digestive system are that you can’t eat normally. I’ve told hubby just to cook for himself whilst I experiment with types and frequency of different foods. Sometimes I just don’t feel like eating. Medication doesn’t work. All a bit wearing. I spent most of the first week after chemo in bed or in the bathroom. Sorry, is this tmo? Absolutely knackered and not very happy.

Add to that the taste issues from chemo and food just ain’t what it used to be. At one stage all I could taste was sweet and salt. I made a spag bol and had added some celery salt. Not a lot but it was all I could taste! But it doesn’t last forever and does improve towards the end of the cycle, thank the lord.

However, there is light at the end of this particular tunnel. I enquired of Bupa if they could pay for acupuncture and yes they can! I found a doctor 20 minutes away who offers acupuncture. He also understands cancer and the side effects of the chemo. Appointment made and I went yesterday. He worked on my colon and oh goodness, did those acupuncture points make themselves known. Needles in my feet, legs and hands. Hubby took me and I was so sleepy afterwards. Went to bed for a good couple of hours’ kip. I was able to consume some soup later on as I was starving but was careful about how much! Went to bed in some trepidation to see what the results would be. Woke once but no awful repercussions and then slept heavily until 7.30am. So far so good today. Keeping my fingers firmly crossed but I have 4 more sessions on Bupa so thank the lord for that! I will need all the help I can get to survive the last two chemo sessions but I have faith in complementary therapies and will be throwing everything at this to get through it. 

Lots of detox baths as usual. One other odd side effect is sore finger tips. Makes opening plastic containers (such as fresh soup) very hard so hubby has to help with that. 

I suppose all these problems are not entirely due to the new type of chemo. It has a cumulative debilitating effect on the body so more is likely to go wrong as time goes by. 

So onto more positive things. An old school friend sent me the most soft and beautiful beanie hat which I am wearing during the day. The colours are just gorgeous. Friends have also been so kind in sending me lovely flowers and dropping round plants. Unexpected and I am very grateful.  

Oh, and I got a call from the surgical team confirming the results of that fun biopsy – clear! Woo hoo. 

Now looking forward. If I’d been writing this a week ago I would have said I could not face the next chemo. Now I can. 

I am having the flu jab on Tuesday because it seems sensible to get protection with my immune system shot to pieces right now. I will be giving Reiki to the dose before they jab me. 

I have an MRI scan booked just before my last chemo to check how the lump has reacted to the chemo. It definitely feels as if it has reduced. I also have to have regular echocardiograms now (every 3 months) because of the Phesgo injections. 

I would dearly like to feel strong enough to take our mutt for a walk. I’ve only managed maybe a couple of outings and I could do with a boost from nature and sunshine. 

I had another ‘dark night of the soul experience’ when I was lying awake feeling at the end of my tether. Asking all those lovely Beings of Light for help as I lay there, back came the clear message that I need to focus on the positives. It’s a basic law of the Universe that what you focus on is what you bring into your life. Getting frustrated and angry and only focussing on what I don’t want is part of the problem. So, a change in attitude and approach was required. You’d think I’d know better but this whole experience is such a challenge and a great way of reminding me of the basics! I was also guided towards the doctor who could help me with acupuncture. Another basic law of the Universe is you have to ask for help. I did and it came. 

I also thought it was time to focus on myself completely and ask others to take over the morning meditation group that I had been managing, but more recently on an increasingly intermittent basis. I was finding it harder to do and it wasn’t fair on the group to be inconsistent with what I could do and what I couldn’t. Others have stepped in to keep it going which is as you’d expect from this lovely group of souls – they are such a wonderfully supportive group. We all benefit from the meditation sessions and I can join in or not as I feel able now. 

So, to end this edition of my blog, as usual, with the words Onwards and Upwards! The end is in sight.